How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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