Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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