If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
