FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
