Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
this beer tastes like vomit already
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
