He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Randomize
