Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
