You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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