If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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