Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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