she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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