Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
