im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
