No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
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I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
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I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize