well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
True strength comes from lack of pants
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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