Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
