Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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