Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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