i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
