is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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