Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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