My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
