lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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