I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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