If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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