I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
