Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Sacagawea was the original milf.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
