I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
