there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
