Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
