My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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