My Higher Power is John Stamos
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
