I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
