fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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