can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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