why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
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I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
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Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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