During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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