3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
