mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
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