You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
