I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
