I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
