How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
