what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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