In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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