This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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