just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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