I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
