turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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