hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
