I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
