I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
