so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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