I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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