i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
