Define "chronic" masturbator.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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