Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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