The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
