what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
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How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
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I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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